Anonymous: i had sex with my girlfriend for the first time and when i pulled out i saw that the condom was broken. i know for a fact i did not cum yet but we are both freaking out. what should we do?

Okay. This is really not the sort of question that we usually deal with, but considering the time-sensitive nature, rather than sending you elsewhere, I’m going to help you out.

If you didn’t ejaculate, the chance that your girlfriend could be pregnant is very, very slight. There is conflicting data on whether there is any sperm present at all in pre-ejaculate, however, the possibility still does exist, so you should still take appropriate precautions.

If it is within 72 hours, your girlfriend should take an emergency contraceptive as soon as possible.  I know in the US it is available over the counter, although I can’t say anything about other countries.  Regardless of whether it is in time for that or not, however, she needs to start keeping track, if she does not already, of her period. She should mark down when she had her last period, and if her next one is late, that will be the time should take a home pregnancy test, or go to Planned Parenthood for a more accurate blood test.

This is also a good time to make sure that both of you are STD-free. If either of you have had unprotected sex with other partners, there is the potential that something could have been passed on. If you and/or your girlfriend are under 18 and in the US, Planned Parenthood will do the test while protecting your confidentiality as much as is possible under the laws in your state.

Please tell your girlfriend from me that this is nothing to panic over. It is something that can absolutely be managed. She will be absolutely fine.

-Natalie

survivablyso: Just wanted to share a frustration: girltalk bonding with my cousin and she shared v personal story about her first time. I then MADE UP A FIRST TIME so that she wouldn't feel rejected & also start family gossip. All bc ace isn't a known sexuality.

Oh gosh, dear, I am really sorry. That kind of thing sucks a lot.  I really wish that the world was a different place where you wouldn’t have felt like you needed to do that. Hopefully some day we’ll live in that different world.

-Natalie

ace-purple-panda: I finally feel like I belong! My my whole life has been spent wondering what was wrong... I married, had two kids, then separated. Now I'm so much happier being a single mum, and even happier now I've found the ace community. Are there any others who have tried to fit in for far to long too??

I’m so incredibly glad that you’ve found a place where you belong and feel good, friend! And you’re definitely not alone there. Keep an eye on the notes on this post, I’m betting you’ll find at least a few other people who’ve felt exactly what you’re feeling.

-Natalie

Anonymous: Last year I was talking to one of my friends, and the topic of sexuality came up. I said 'yea, I'm asexual', and explained it. The next day, some other girl came up to me and asked, "are you bisensual? i heard that you were from a friend" i thought that was pretty funny, but i explained it and she understood. :-)

Ahhh the rumor mill. Always a fun time, yeah? I’m glad you got things straightened out, though!

-Natalie

Anonymous: Pt. 1 im sort of scared. I'm quite young, you see, and I'm a female, but I don't know if I'm straight. I mean I love boys. Holding hands with boys. Being with boys. Kissing boys. But I never feel the need to stare at their muscles or junk or anything

it’s the same for girls. I don’t feel the need to stare. But I do fantasize about sex and such things ( only with people I know ) and I’d definitely want to participate in such acts, but.. I never see a stranger and think “i’d love to fuck with them”. It’s weird being with my friends and they’re like “wow look at the package on that one”. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I find strangers sexually attractive?? I feel weird

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with not feeling sexual attraction (which is what I’d call that feeling of seeing someone and wanting to have sex with them). There is nothing wrong with only wanting to have sex with someone you know and trust. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you do and don’t want at a young age. You are absolutely perfect exactly the way you are.

Everything you’re describing sounds pretty much exactly like my experience as a young teen. I didn’t really get what everyone else was talking about when it came to people being attractive, or ranking different attributes. It just never clicked for me. That’s one of the things that eventually lead me to decide that I was asexual.  So my advice for you is that you should go do what I did. Read things that other asexual people have written about their experiences. Do a little introspection. It’s very possible that identifying as asexual might be the right choice for you.

-Natalie

A fanmail from a user who prefers that we post the answer anonymously:

From an asexual standpoint, is it hypocritical to enjoy masturbating, but be kind of squicked at the idea of actually having sex?

Not at all! There is nothing hypocritical about enjoying some kinds of contact but not others. It is your body, and you are the ultimate arbiter of what does and does not feel good to you, and what you do and do not want in terms of sexual contact. There is not any requirement that if you like masturbation you must like sex, or that if you do not want sex you must also not masturbate. You can even like some kinds of sexual contact with a partner but not others. There is no wrong way to sort sexual contact into “things I like” and “things I don’t like”.

-Natalie

Anonymous: I came out as asexual to one of my best friends last night, and she was totally fine. I know that she's a really accepting person and she simply commented "wow all my friends are ace" because I know she has a few other asexual friends as well. I'm really happy now because someone in my life knows and I'm just feeling a little better aboutyself.

Aww, that’s really great to hear, Anon! I’m so glad that things went well for you!

-Natalie

Anonymous: I just wanted to apologize for the 50SoG post coming off as shaming anyone - that wasn't my intention. I think a better word than 'normal' would've been common. As in, do allosexuals place a value on sex that makes it worth the risk? Because I understand that life has everyday dangers, and dangers that are necessary, such as the side effects of important medication. However, I didn't understand that sex may have such value that it makes those high risks fairly inconsequential.

It’s okay, Anon, everyone has issues with phrasing sometimes.

This pretty much gets the the point where I’m really no longer capable of giving you any kind of meaningful answer, though. The thing is, someone who is actually into BDSM (whether allosexual or asexual, because asexual people can also be into kink) would be much better at answering your questions about why it is enjoyable.

What I can do is reiterate that good BDSM should not be any more risky than vanilla sex. That is one of the major problems with these books. The sex that it portrays is not safe, sane, and consensual, which are the watchwords of the BDSM community. High risks should not be involved. There should be no more danger to either participant than there would be in any other kind of sex.

-Natalie

everyoneisuniquelysane: Oh my god. I'm really glad I stumbled across this blog and a few other more ... tolerant blogs concerning asexuality than fucking-asexual-community. Yeesh. Forget about their issues with asexuals who don't fit their very stringent definition, they seem determined to see the world in black and white. And, as any good plot-line or half-decent observation skills will tell you, there's always inbetween areas and shades of gray.

Trust me, friend, I have been feeling the same way. My problem isn’t with their worldview, though. If they felt that they did not want to identify as asexual because of some of the things that they’re claiming that all asexual people cannot do, or if they felt that their own personal celibacy was part and parcel with their sexual orientation, that would be absolutely fine with me. You have to label yourself the way that feels best to you.

And that kind of neatly leads into the reason I take issue with bloggers like that. It is completely unacceptable to define someone else’s sexual orientation for them. Have you seen how much hedging I do when someone asks me “I feel x, y, and z, am I asexual?” That’s because I don’t have any right to tell them what labels they are and are not allowed to use. I can say “well, these orientations are the closest in definition to what you’re describing,” but I can’t say definitively “You are asexual,” or “You are not asexual” because that’s something that an individual must determine for themself.

-Natalie

Anonymous: Hello. I'm a girl. I thought of myself as asexual but recently I've been questioning if I am or not. I've never seen anyone in a sexual way. But I like kissing and being touched. Also the other night my girlfriend talked me into having sex (we were a little drunk) and I liked it?? I don't see her in a sexual way but I like how it felt so I'm a bit confused. Would I be demisexual?? Or if not what??

Your sexual orientation is not in any way defined by your behavior. It is defined solely by who you are and are not attracted to.  If you still do not feel sexual attraction, you should feel free to keep identifying as asexual for as long as that continues to be a useful label for you. Enjoy the things that make you feel good. Those things do not disqualify you from your sexuality. Change labels only if and when you feel that your experience of your sexuality no longer fits with “does not experience sexual attraction” and because of that asexual no longer feels like a good fit to you.

-Natalie