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You’re human, sometimes you react to things in ways that might seem irrational, you get angrier than the situation seems to call for. We all do it.
You ever really just want some peace and quiet? Like, you just need some time to relax. And there’s that person who just keeps trying to talk to you, and no matter how uninterested you act, or how much you hint that you want them to leave, they won’t stop. They probably don’t even realize they’re bothering you, but you don’t care because you are pretty sure that you hate them. Except, you know, you don’t actually hate them. It just feels like it in that moment.
It’s the same kind of thing. You don’t want to hear about your friends sex lives, you don’t want to see nsfw posts. And yet, there you are, hearing about it and seeing the posts. And it’s their fault, isn’t it? Because they’re the ones talking about and posting these things. Except, you can take a step back later and realize that maybe you were angrier at them than you need to be, because you really don’t hate them. But in the moment, you’re just really mad that they said/posted that.
I can’t really tell you how to stop feeling that way when these things happen. Emotions like anger and frustration just happen sometimes and, hey, as long as you’re not actually screaming at everybody, I’d say you’re doing fine. BUT, you can always ask your friends not to talk about their sex lives in front of you/remind them to tag nsfw posts.
You absolutely would. Asexuality, like any sexuality, is based solely on who you are attracted to. Fantasizing doesn’t make you not asexual, nor would choosing to actually have sex with someone make you not asexual. The only thing that can make you not asexual is you experiencing sexual attraction, and then deciding that asexual is no longer a label that works to describe your feelings.
I think it’s great that young people are feeling more confident about exploring their sexuality, trying out labels to see what fits, and ultimately doing what works best for them and makes them happy.
I think that it takes a lot of courage, maturity, and humility for a person to admit that they were mistaken about their identity, and that a different label suits them better. And I have extra respect for teenagers who can do this. When I was a teenager, I was far too timid and unsure of myself to identify as anything.
I think that there’s a ton of ageism, misogyny, lesbophobia and sapphobia underlying the stereotype of teenage girls’ having questionable or fake sexual identities. Teenage girls get treated horribly by mainstream culture, and are mocked and insulted no matter what they like or do. I find that absolutely despicable. Anon, would you have asked me the same question about teenage boys? I doubt it.
I think that it is wrong and hurtful to invalidate or talk shit about someone else’s sexuality, and just because the target is young or female does not suddenly make it acceptable.
If someone tells me they’re lesbian, bisexual or any other orientation, I believe them. Period. I don’t care how many things they identified as before. It is an honor that they decided to share such personal information with me, and the least I can do is take it seriously.
I’ve been debating whether or not I should respond to this, but I’ve decided I probably ought to say something. First, I assume you are referring to this question. The asker does mention their university, yes. I do not.
Please do not send us messages asking for or wondering about mods’ personal details. One of the reasons I am helping to run this blog is that, for the most part, nobody here knows any identifying information about me. That allows me to be comfortable with the personal things that I do share about my experiences as an asexual person, which are not things that I’d generally share with people who know me in real life. I can’t speak for the other mods about this, but getting asks like this makes me, personally, very uncomfortable, and I would really appreciate it if you didn’t send things like this in the future.
So, I wanted to write a character who was asexual for one of my stories. I don’t know very much about asexuality so I was hoping that if you knew a little bit about it, you could help me out. Keep in mind that my knowledge is very limited on the subject and that I am not trying to be offensive with my questions. I am a little ignorant on the subject and I don’t want to write a character that is inaccurate or offensive to people who are asexual. Here are a few questions:
Is sex gross to asexual people or is it more like “that’s just not my thing”?
Do asexual people want romantic relationships or do they also not want anything in that area?
How do asexual people feel about things that are not quite sex (such as kissing, cuddling, etc)?
Is there anything else you can tell me about people who are asexual?
I hope you don’t mind that I’m reblogging this, but your askbox is closed and I had a fair bit more to say than would fit in the answer box on your original post. To address your questions in the order they appear:
Basically, write your character like any other character. Their sexuality does not define who they are, what they like, or how they’ll act. All it defines is whose bones they typically want to jump. And if you have any further questions, please feel free to ask — I can always answer them privately if you’d like.
Editing because I forgot to add: If you’d like examples of what you should do, probably one of my favorite asexual characters that I have read to date is Fiona from the webcomic Supernormal Step. I’m a little behind on my comic reading at the moment, but she and her sexuality are treated really well from what I’ve read so far.
Well, there are a couple of misconceptions to be dealt with here. Unfortunately, thanks to the cultural assumption that everyone is heterosexual and heteroromantic until proven otherwise, it is entirely possible that your friends do assume that you are hetero. The only way to dispel that idea is to explain to them what asexuality is. After that, there is the difference between asexuality and celibacy to be explained. There is a lot of information in our coming out tag that could help you with both of those things.
I wish you the best of luck, dear, and if you need any more help, feel free to ask us more questions.
Well, my knowledge of sex ed is entirely American-centric, so your results may vary, but in my experience, sex ed classes are, in many ways, entirely inadequate, especially for lgbtqiap+ people and/or people who are sex repulsed. I do not blame you at all for wanting to sit it out, especially if you are uncomfortable with discussions of sex.
Your friends aren’t entirely wrong. There are some aspects of sex ed that even asexual and sex repulsed people need. It is still good to have a comprehensive understanding of your own reproductive anatomy and the ways it works. It is still a good idea to have knowledge of STIs, as many of them can also be transmitted by other means, such as contact with the blood of someone who is infected. You absolutely do not need to get that information from a high school sex ed class, though, and considering how atrocious American sex ed standards are, I can’t blame anyone who opts out. Your friends seem to need a little sex education of their own. Not everyone has or wants sex, and that is totally okay. Regardless of whether I agree with them about sex education, it is completely unacceptable for them to assume that you’re going to change your mind about something you dislike. Maybe you will. Maybe you won’t. But it is definitely not any of their business.
Now, you are going to need a source of the information that you do need. My personal recommendation is Scarleteen. They have a variety of resources, and not all of them are geared towards people who want to have sex. Please do make sure that you learn everything you need to be healthy, regardless of where you learn it from.
Your romantic and sexual orientations are about who you are attracted to, not what kinds of touch you do and don’t like. So feeling no sexual attraction would make you asexual, regardless of how you feel about penetrative sex or other sex acts. Similarly, feeling no romantic attraction is what would make you aromantic, regardless of what kind of physical contact you do and do not enjoy. If you feel romantic attraction then I would say that you are not aromantic.
With that said, you need to talk to your boyfriend. If you’re not comfortable with some or all forms of physical affection, you shouldn’t feel compelled to do them, and your boyfriend needs to know that you aren’t comfortable with them. If you do, in future, become comfortable enough with him that you are more okay with physical affection, you can renegotiate that, but you do not need to feel like it’s something that is ever required. The only requirement for a relationship is that you are comfortable and happy.
Hello! Thank you so much for this space. Well, I’m 20 years and I’ve defined myself as heterosexual because the people I like always have been men, but I never feel sexually attracted to them. Talking with my friends about it, they always say the same, “you will feel desire to have sex when you’ll be with someone”, “after you have sex you’ll love it” (the last /and first/ time I had a boyfriend was 4 years ago + i’m virgin) and I feel like it was my duty to feel sexual desire but I just can’t, I think about having sex and I feel very, very scared. All this makes me feel alone because nobody I know is able to understand my fear and they keep saying the same, that I have fear because I never had sex. I started to feel like something is wrong with me. I feel really scared about the future and very insecure about myself, because I don’t want to be alone but I’m scared that nobody could understand that I’m not interested in have sex, just a deep and romantic relationship. I’m just very confused, I feel like they are pushing me to the “you don’t know till you try” thing, even when I’m sure that I don’t want to try.
Sorry this is too long, confusing and not a question, I just wanted to share all this with people who maybe understand me.
(and sorry for my bad english)
Your English is fine and I’m glad you found a safe space to share your worries! You aren’t the only one that feels this way and there is nothing wrong with how you feel. There isn’t anything wrong with you, you are just different in a way your friends aren’t understanding.
First off, have you considered identifying as asexual? The sole criteria for asexuality is not feeling sexual attraction, which you said you haven’t. If you feel more comfortable identifying as heterosexual, I would continue to use that label, but I would recommend considering asexuality as well.
Second off, your friends really need to back off of your love life. It really isn’t their business and their pressuring on you is completely unhelpful. You don’t have a duty to be sexually attracted to anyone. If you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it. It’s how your brain works and that’s really all their is. Your worry is a completely legitimate worry and it’s unfair of them to push you into facing a fear. It’s really about as helpful as throwing a spider on someone and saying that they’ll stop being scared if they just catch it. It doesn’t work that way and pushing someone to face a fear they don’t want to face usually just makes it that much worse.
Your anxiety about sex, what we normally call sex-repulsion, is normal and okay. Many other people feel that way. Sex isn’t for everyone, just like how bungee jumping, rock climbing, 5k running, or soccer isn’t for everyone. It’s an activity. Some like it, some don’t. I don’t have to go marathon running to know that it isn’t for me, so why should you have to have sex to know that it isn’t for you? I would suggest telling your friends that they need to stop ‘shoulding’ all over you. You are uncomfortable and don’t want sex. That’s it and that’s all that really matters. If you change your mind later, that is your business, not theirs. If you never change your mind, that’s perfectly fine as well!
I have heard a lot of people allosexuals and asexuals, say that they want to have a relationship without sex and that is completely and 100% okay! You are not alone in this. There are several places full of people that want to have sexless relationships. Many of them are for asexuals, but not all of them are asexual specific.
There are several groups full of people that feel just how you feel. I would really recommend checking them out and seeing what they have to offer!
Just looking for some advice.. I’m a 19-year old demi girl, virgin, never been in a relationship. I’ve been asked out a few times, been on a couple of dates but never got further than a kiss and always been the one to end it myself, or just let it peter out. I started getting panic attacks so for the last year or so I’ve been avoiding any potential romantic contact whatsoever. But now I’ve met someone through a friend who I get on with and we seem to have a lot in common. We’ve only been together in bigger groups but I’m starting to think I like him in the more-than-friends way, and I think he might like me too (have also been told this by our mutual friend who I think wants to set us up).
The problem is, *I’m not sure about my own feelings.* It’s so rare that I ever think about another person like this, and honestly I have no idea if I’ll actually develop sexual feelings later on, although I’ve always thought of myself as demi. Sometimes I think I might be aro too and and I’ve just been kidding myself this entire time because I’m too scared to admit it. Honestly, it feels ridiculous worrying about this now when we’ve never even been alone together and there’s a huge possibility he might not actually be interested at all..but that’s me- I tend to overthink.
I don’t want to lead him on- I like him and he’s a friend of my friend and I hate it when things get weird because of my inability to talk about myself and what I’m feeling. But also I think I need to allow myself the chance, because otherwise I’ll never find out if I *might* feel something, If that makes sense. So any advice about what/if anything I should say to him if it starts getting more-than-friendsy? How the hell do you broach this topic? Should I give him a disclaimer? Or just see what happens..?
Sorry, this turned out more like an Agony Aunt letter than I intended!
Thanks in advance.
No need to apologize.
First off, breathe. As you said, you have only been on a couple of group outings and you are still testing the waters for dating. It’s alright to take things at a slow and comfortable pace. In fact, I personally recommend it. Rushing into relationships is generally not a good idea. I would focus on really just getting to know him and seeing if he would be interested in dating first.
If he is interested in dating, I wouldn’t suggest starting out by giving him a large disclaimer about sex right off the bat. One, that’s a very confusing signal, since you clearly have been thinking about it (in general) but you are telling him you don’t want it. In a young relationship, that can make things very awkward. Most likely, the subject will come up at some point before any activities are tried. I would suggest addressing it then when it more naturally fits into the relationship and the level of commitment one of you are feeling. Remember that there is the possibility that he is just as interested in having sex as you are, which is not at all. Not all males have a high libido, no matter what the media wants to tell you.
When the subject does come up, I do thoroughly support you being firm in your stance that you are not comfortable with those types of activities and you don’t want to participate in them. They are not required for a health and happy relationship and if they make you uncomfortable, that defeats the whole purpose of them anyhow. Whether you are demisexual, asexual, aromantic or alloromantic and allosexual, your comfort is the most important aspect of this. You don’t owe anyone anything. If things do become ‘more than friendsy’, I would recommend just telling him how you feel about what is happening. And it can be as simple as “I’m uncomfortable with [this]. I need us to slow down.” If he throws a fit about it, he really isn’t worth your time. Understanding men do exist and if he isn’t one, I would recommend not wasting your time with him.