Asexuals_Anonymous

You can be sexually attracted to some people but only romantically attracted to others. If you feel a lack of attraction with most people, I would say you are asexual. You don’t necessarily need to define who exactly you’re attracted to, especially if it is on and off for certain people but doesn’t separate itself by gender.

However, if you find females sexually attractive but only see this one girl with a romantic attraction then it’s possible you have a queerplatonic relationship with them (something between a friendship and a romantic relationship- it can be difficult to differentiate between that and a romantic attraction) or you could just be specifically romantically attracted to them.

There is no wrong or right when it comes to who you’re attracted to, but I’d say that if you want to ask this girl out, explain to her that you are purely romantically attracted to her.

I’d go for it. If she is who you really want to be with, give it a try and hope for the best!

-Anaxan

I’m very glad we could help!

That is really what we are aiming for; helping people find themselves and feel comfortable with it. I’m glad you managed to come out to your friends, and I wish you luck with your parents! It is really great that you have support from your friends, and you have our support as well.

-Anaxan

So, someone who’s aromantic doesn’t feel romantic attraction.  That doesn’t mean they can’t have meaningful relationships.  That’s where a queerplatonic relationship comes in.  I definitely think that being aromantic doesn’t prevent someone from having relationships.  A relationship doesn’t require romantic attraction for it to be satisfying.  (And if aromantic people couldn’t be in relationships, we wouldn’t have all this terminology for aromantic relationships, would we?)

As for the other part of your question, if you’re asking “is this weird” my answer is almost always going to be a resounding “of course not!”  Think about it this way:  would it be odd for an asexual person to wish they felt sexual attraction, or to fantasize about what sexual attraction might feel like?  No, and it’s not odd for someone who’s aromantic to wish they felt romantic attraction either.

For anyone who doesn’t know what a queerplatonic relationship is:  People who are aromantic aren’t going to feel romantic attraction, but they can still form emotional connections that are deeper than friendship.  A queerplatonic relationship is, in that sense, a lot like a romantic relationship.  The major difference is the lack of romantic attraction.  The Aromantic FAQ on AVENwiki is a good starting place to find more information.

-Natalie

Your icon made me very happy.  ^_^

So, let me make sure I’ve got this right.  You feel arousal, but aren’t actually interested in having sex?  That’s perfectly normal.  Libido, or sex drive, is both physical and mental.  Even if you’re completely disinterested in sex mentally, you can still feel physical arousal.  Feeling physical arousal doesn’t mean you aren’t asexual, nor would desiring sex mean that you weren’t asexual.  Sexuality is about attraction.

For more on this subject, I would direct you to the excellent article “But Asexuals Can’t Masturbate!” on the Asexuality Archive.  There’s a lot about asexuality and arousal in there, including some practical advice about masturbation (so if that’s something that will bug you, give this one a miss).

-Natalie

I answered this at the same time as Natalie, so I suppose I will post my answer under her’s.

Most asexual people feel arousal, it generally depends on what they do about it. Some people do nothing about their arousal, some masturbate, and some choose a partner that will have sex with them only to get rid of their arousal.

You can still be asexual if you have sex, or if you masturbate. It is a common misconception that you can only be asexual if you never become aroused. There are many types of asexuality, and if you identify as asexual but still desire sex, it could simply mean you do not feel the need to have sex to be in a relationship, but still desire it.

There is also demisexuality, which means you only desire sex if you have a strong emotional or romantic relationship first.

There is nothing wrong if you feel arousal. It is a natural part of the human body, and it does not need to change how you identify.

If you feel confused about how you identify, do not worry about it. It is a part of life and you do not need to feel pressured to identify, if you ever identify at all. It is your decision and it is solely based on how you feel, so whether or not you identify is your choice and no one else’s.

Often times we feel pressured to come out, but there is no need. Separating ourselves into groups is not necessary as long as you are comfortable with who you are.

Hope I helped!

(Also, Natalie’s resource is very helpful)

-Anaxan

You should never feel like you need to have been in a relationship to know that you’re asexual.  If you haven’t experienced sexual attraction, then you are asexual.  Don’t feel like you have to prove it to anyone else, or to yourself.  Nobody, of any sexuality, should be required to prove the validity of their identity.  If you don’t want a relationship right now, it would be better to wait until you’re ready for one.  Your happiness and comfort should always come first.

That said, aces can still have romantic relationships.  So if that’s something you want, go for it.  In a relationship between someone who’s ace and someone who isn’t, communication is incredibly important.  Be up front with them about your sexuality.  If you don’t want to have sex, you should tell them that as well (remember, behavior does not equal attraction, so asexuals can still desire and enjoy sex).  Being honest and up-front about the way you feel will help to keep it from feeling like you’re using your partner.

I really cannot stress enough that what’s most important here is to make sure that you’re doing what feels right for you.  If you want to try a relationship, that’s fine.  If you don’t, that’s also fine.  As long as you’re comfortable.

-Natalie

Adding to this, you should never feel as if you have to date someone simply because your parents would like you to. I have had much experience with my mother attempting to force me into a relationship, and I can honestly say it never works out.

Make sure you do what you want. It personally took me being in a relationship to realize my own asexuality, but I have many friends that knew it all along, or figured it out on their own. If you truly feel uncomfortable about being in a relationship, explain that to your parents, even if it means coming up with some other excuse.

There is nothing negative about wishing to stay out of relationships until you realize your sexuality. Many people do it, and it is solely your choice.

-Anaxan

Well, for starters, if you feel like you’re asexual, then you are.  Your identity is your choice, simple as that.

It really just comes down to who you’ve been sexually attracted to.  If you haven’t ever felt sexually attracted to anyone, then I would agree, it does sound like you’re asexual.  Your identity is ultimately your decision, though.  I really can’t stress that enough, and I know I pretty much say that to everyone who sends an ask, but it’s the truth.  Nobody else can decide your identity for you.

One last piece of advice:  Since you’re young, you’re pretty likely to hear “You’re not old enough to know you’re asexual.”  This is a lie.  Maybe your sexuality will change as you get older.  Maybe it won’t. But if identifying as ace feels right to you, here and now, don’t hesitate to do so.

-Natalie

Aw, thank you, Anon dear.  ^_^

Yeah, there’s a lot of terminology associated with asexuality.  I can understand why you’d be confused.  So, since you say you’re not sexually attracted to anyone, it definitely sounds to me like you are asexual.  That’s all it’s about.  Lately, I’ve been hearing the term “aesthetic attraction” a lot, which is that appreciation of the way someone looks, but not in a sexual way, that you’re talking about.  Someone who’s asexual can still appreciate a person’s looks, but there’s no sexual attraction there.

I assume, from what you’re saying, that when you talk about relationships you’re talking about a romantic relationship?  A lot of the time, you’ll see people who identify as somewhere on the asexuality spectrum talk about their romantic orientation as well as their sexual orientation.  Someone who is ace may identify as heteroromantic, for example, meaning that they are only romantically attracted to people of the opposite gender.  That would be the kind of terminology you would use to express who you would want a romantic relationship with.  It sounds like you might be grey-romantic (someone who occasionally experiences romantic attraction, but generally does not).

I hope this helps!  And, as always, your identity is something very personal, so you’re the one that makes that decision in the end, not me.

-Natalie

First, you are never too young to know what your sexuality is.  If your feelings change when you get older, it’s perfectly okay to change what you tell people your orientation is.  Right now, if you feel like you’re asexual, then you’re definitely old enough to identify as asexual, just like a 14-year-old is old enough to identify as straight or gay based on who they’ve been attracted to so far.

A lot of aces, myself included, are aesthetically attracted to people, which is what I assume you mean when you say that you find people cute, or attractive (but not in a sexual way).  The fact that you did mention that you’ve never felt sexually attracted to anyone would make me think that you are asexual.  That’s your call, though.  I can’t make the decision for you.  In the end, your identity should be whatever feels right for you right now.

-Natalie