Is it possible to be demiromantic in the same way that someone could be demisexual?from Anonymous
Absolutely! Someone who is demiromantic would only experience romantic attraction after the formation of some other strong emotional bond, which is completely possible.
-Natalie
Wasn’t there a term to specify sexual non-asexuals?
Because I remember a while ago or whatever about the ace tag creating a term for sexual non-asexuals because we had to be thoughtful about the sexually-active asexuals whenever ranting about “sexuals” and their (because then “sexual” was mostly applied to anyone who wasn’t asexualy, namely heterosexuals).
Like is their a term or am I just having false memories?
There is a term that means non-asexual-spectrum. It’s allosexual, and it was adopted* for many reasons, including but not limited to how women of color in a racist society are regarded as “sexual” meaning something different than “experiencing sexual attraction,” and how many non-asexual-spectrum sexual assault survivors object to being referred to as “sexual” persons.
In vis-ed work, I think it makes more sense to say “non-asexual-spectrum.” The word “allosexual” finds its usage mainly in intra-asexual-community discussion. It’s a category term similar to “monosexual” and “gentile,” used so that the majority group has a name.
* it has been used to refer to sexual behavior and/or attraction directed toward other people (as opposed to the self, or to neither) in sex research since the 90s
Reblogging this for any of you who might be interested. I will most likely continue to use non-asexual or non-ace-spectrum just to be sure that everyone who’s reading this blog understands what I mean, but if you see allosexual in a question, or something we reblog, this is what it means.
-Natalie
I am being told almost every day that expecting to find a guy to date in my age range who would be cool with me being asexual is unrealistic and I need to "ease up on that no sex thing" because "guys like sex". Is this true? Am I being too unrealistic to expect a 30+ guy to understand I'm grey-asexual and may never want to have sex? Is sex really that important and should I just give up and have sex even when I don't want to?
The short answer to this is no, to all of the above.
Yes, some guys like sex. Some girls like sex! And some don’t. Saying that all guys are horndogs who have to have sex to be satisfied in a relationship is not only wrong, it’s hurtful. For starters, it completely erases the existence of repulsed asexual guys. And there are non-ace guys with low libidos as well.
You are not unrealistic to want a relationship that you’ll be comfortable and happy with! What is unrealistic is to expect you to settle for a relationship in which you’ll be unhappy because other people think it’s what you ought to do.
For some people, yes, sex is that important. For others, it isn’t. Some people think that sex is that important until put into a situation where they aren’t having as much of it as they expected. The key is communication. Two people with different sex drives can have a perfectly happy relationship if they’re willing to sit down and make sure that nobody is having hurt feelings because of the amount of sex they’re having. (I have two very good friends who have been dating for nearly three years now, in spite of the fact that he is grey-a and she is not. It can work!)
If you don’t feel like you want to have sex, you should not have sex. If you do have sex in spite of not wanting to, it will most likely be an incredibly unenjoyable experience. And sex should be enjoyable!
-Natalie
I’m doing a survey about asexuality for my honors project. it could potentially be published in a research journal, so please please take a few minutes and fill it out.
if you could complete the survey/reblog it I would be eternally grateful
it’s for anyone who currently or at some point identified as being under the ace umbrella
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1J7gxsFzHQEFgPFjWmNme7dQAavX8jIS0VgUgSnTDwYs/viewform
What is the difference between not having a libido and being ace?from chamberlian
Your libido, essentially, is how often you get horny. Desiring some kind of sexual release (whether it be from sex with another person or masturbation) is a result of having a libido, and not desiring sexual release would be not having a libido.
Asexuality describes who you are attracted to. If you do not ever look at people and feel something along the lines of “yes, I would like to bump into you later…naked…with my crotch…” then you are asexual.
Hopefully that helped to clear things up a little!
-Natalie
Anonymous said:
Hi ! I don’t know if this is really the place to say this, but I wanted to share an experience on the slight chance it might help someone not give into coerced sex. If you want to have sex (whether you’re an ace or a non-ace person, and if it’s consensual) by all means, do! But if you don’t want to, if you feel pressured to by society, here’s the thing…
A few years ago, I only knew of asexuality from vague few glimpses on the internet. Later, and even once I knew more about it, it would take someone telling me “Uh, you say you don’t feel sexual attraction, wow, you’re the first asexual person I’ve ever met.” to identify as asexual. Because even once I knew asexuality existed I couldn’t identify with it. To me, asexuals were a distant thing that existed, but they were other. Not me.
A few years ago, I was depressed. I had moved out the family home to pursue studies in another city. I wanted to fit. I started to crush on a guy. We flirted and, eventually, because I’m about as subtle as a punch to the head, I asked him if he wanted to have sex. With me. In a near future.
And the thing is, he wanted to. He also told me he had a girlfriend on the other side of the country but that it was okay, because he was twenty-ish and at twenty a man has needs, you know, so he couldn’t really be expected to remain faithful. And that yeah, he sure as hell wouldn’t mind taking care of those needs with me.
As I said, I wanted to fit in. I wasn’t expecting a relationship out of it, I didn’t know and thus didn’t care much about his girlfriend, and he was good looking so I supposed he was a catch and it couldn’t be too troublesome. Everyone did it, right? Sex, I mean. Luckily for me, we were on a train, we had just arrived at destination, we didn’t really have the setting for some nice, heady sex.
So I went home, and I told my mother. Who didn’t judge me. Who didn’t tell me I was a horrible person contemplating helping him cheat on his girlfriend. She only told me something along the lines of:
“If that’s what you want, do it. But if you’re going to have sex, make sure the other person is giving you something, that you’re taking something out of it as well, and that you’re not just offering yourself because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re worth more than that, and anyone who has you would be lucky to.”
And I didn’t contact the asshole, I didn’t have sex with him, and the fact that I didn’t remains as of today still one of the most empowering things I’ve ever (not) done.
These words don’t merely apply to ace people. They’re actually accurate to absolutely anyone who feels coerced, one way or another, physically or socially, into having sex.
I was lucky, okay? I was lucky to have good people around me, to have my mother’s wise words. So here, I’m sharing them.
Thank you very much, Anon! I don’t have anything to add to this, I’m going to let this story speak for itself.
-Natalie
I once dated a person who said that me telling them they could have sex with other people (as long as I knew about it) since I wasn't willing to have sex with them. They told me that it made them feel terrible and like I didn't want to be with them when I said that, but when we broke up I found out that they cheated on me. I don't know how I can forgive them. Has anyone else experienced this before?
I know this is not something I have personally experienced (at least not entirely, I could write you a dissertation on my cheating ex, but I doubt that would make you feel any better). But I would say that you’re probably not the only one who has had to deal with something like this before.
Not everyone understands the difference between an open relationship and cheating, and for some people sex is not something they want to have outside a committed, monogamous relationship. So if the story had ended with your significant other being upset by the suggestion, I would have given you some pointers for discussing the difference with them, and trying to explain how you see sex.
In this case, however, rather than suffering from a lack of understanding, I believe your ex was suffering from a tragic, incurable condition called “being an asshole.” They most likely wanted you to feel guilty for not wanting sex with them. That is the only motivation I can think of for turning down an open relationship and then proceeding to cheat. I’m really glad that you have this person out of your life!
I can’t tell you a foolproof way to forgive someone, but for me it helps to remember that by holding a grudge, the only person I’m actually hurting is myself. The person you’re holding onto my hate for probably has no idea you hate them, and probably doesn’t care. The best revenge isn’t holding a grudge. It’s going on, and finding happiness.
-Natalie
"Corrective rape". I have to say, it felt like a punch to the gut when I read mentions of it on your site in relation to asexuality. Not that it ever happened to me, but because I couldn't quite tell, before, why I was so angry at a male friend when I told him I was asexual and he said I just didn't know what I wanted, and how could I be sure if I had never had sex, and that I should just try - that sex would teach me. I'm not sex-repulsed - like, at all - but it still angered me. So thank you.from virtualcarrot
Yeah. It is really unfortunate that it happens, but I’m glad that it’s something you’ve never experienced, and that I could help you pinpoint what about that comment was making you upset.
-Natalie
So, I've recently embraced my asexuality and am doing a lot of reading on my orientation. I've seen a lot of asexuals mention black rings - I'm interested in portraying myself outwardly, so what exactly is the significance of the black ring?
Well, it originated in this AVEN thread. The original symbolism proposed was that wearing a ring on the right middle finger meant that you were single. I assume black was because it is one of the colors of the asexual flag. At this point, wearing a black ring on your right middle finger is just a generally accepted ace thing.
-Natalie
I want to buy ACE Pride wear (mostly shirts or a ring) but my parents don't know I'm asexual. And in a long chat, I found out my dad thinks asexuals are a waste of space on this planet. I don't know what to do.
Your dad sounds a lot like my parents, Anon. My personal solution has been to get the black ring, since it’s a more subtle symbol, but still serves as a reminder to me that I’m not broken, and I’m not alone. If you’re going to buy one, I would recommend avoiding hematite — while you can find cheap hematite rings on Ebay and Amazon, they break very easily. I believe mine is tungsten carbide, and it has held up quite well. You can also get black titanium or stainless steel, which would both be durable. The price is a little higher (I paid about $15 for mine, as compared to $4-$6 for a hematite ring) but I think it’s worth it.
You could also consider something like looking for clothing and jewelry in purple and black without any specific ace pride message on it. I know people have had good luck finding nice ace-y purple plaid shirts at Target in the past.
I wish you the best of luck, Anon, and your father is very wrong. We’re not wastes of space. Being different is not bad, no matter what people who don’t understand the difference think.
-Natalie
